Bedtime Routines- the 4 core parts you need for success

Sleep is so important.  If it wasn't we wouldn't have so many articles and books and blogs on how to get our kids to just go to sleep already!  A big part of getting into sleep mode is setting the stage that the day is over and it is time to rest.  No parent wants to spend hours getting their kids into bed.  A good bedtime routine contain just a few basics that can be performed almost anywhere.  In my opinion, it should take less than ten minutes.  It can be made longer if you are all having fun playing around, but it can be pared down even further if needed.  There are four main components to a good bedtime routine.

1) Pajamas.  It doesn't matter what the pajamas your kid wears are, as long as an outfit change takes place.  This physically shows our kids that we are serious, they are changing activities from day time to night time.  Pajamas need to be appropriate for the temperature of the home and the child so they are comfortable at night.  Keep in mind little ones aren't the best at keeping blankets on, or shouldn't have them at all.  So they might need warmer pajamas than adults do.  Most importantly these clothes need to be comfortable and safe.  Nothing that will tangle up at night, and nothing that will cause them to wake up uncomfortable.  Other than that- I say whatever makes your kid happy.  They are more likely to want to get into their pajamas if they are ones they like.  I don't find this to be the time to argue about texture, fit, or appearance.  Who really sees kids when they are sleeping?  No one, so who cares what they look like.  My son loved one set of pajamas so much he wore them long after they technically fit.  He was comfortable, so I didn't care.  He says something is too itchy, it's gone.  They are the ones who have to wear it for 12 hours or so, they know what they want.

2) Hygiene.  I don't believe in doing bath as a part of the bed time routine.  It can take place before bed, but it isn't a necessary component to signal that it is almost time to sleep.  That doesn't mean my kids go to bed dirty.  That doesn't feel good to anyone!  For babies a nice rub down with a baby wipe is usually plenty.  You can check all those sweet folds and get all the fuzzies out from those tiny toes.  For older kids I do at least a face wash, sometimes with a baby wipe too.  Be sure to check the feet if your child has been barefoot.  No one wants dirty sheets.  This is when we brush teeth.  This is also when final diaper changes or potty trips take place. (Potty training time means another trip last thing before bed too. One more try never hurts.)

3) Prayers and reflection.  I know not every family is religious.  This doesn't have to be formal prayers, or really any prayers at all.  This is just a good time to reflect back on the day and talk to your child for a few minutes.  We mention what went well that day, and touch on what we still need to work on.  I try to reinforce basic behavioral goals and review the all the time rules.  This is a quiet moment to really seek out your child's heart and talk to them.  We do say our prayers during this time.  It doesn't have to be a whole lecture period, just a few moments to touch base with your child.

4) Final Goodnight.  I am not a good singer, but when I had my first child I couldn't help but sing to him.  Studies have shown that babies adore the sounds of their parents singing, even if we think it sounds like screeching cats.  So I sing.  Our final goodnight is the same songs, every time our children go to sleep.  For all the children we do Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.  Short, simple, to the point.  I start singing this to them as soon as we bring them home.  Any time they are put down to a deliberate sleep time I sing this song to them.  I try not to sing it to them any other time at first.  This way when they hear that song they know it is time for sleep.  If you don't like to sing it can be a final set of words or a last series of kisses.  It just needs to be something that you can do every single time you put your child to sleep that you don't do other times.

These four things make up the core of any bedtime routine.  The great thing about building your routine out of these four items is that it can grow and change as needed.  When our children are newborns, this whole thing goes pretty quickly.  Prayers are just a few words, and there isn't much reflection with a baby.  But as babies grow into toddlers you can use this time to reinforce any lessons you are working on.  You can add more to this routine if you have the time, no need to force it into as short a time as possible.  But in the times when we are short on time and need to get everyone in to bed we can quickly hit the basics in less than ten minutes.

Building a routine you can do anywhere is so helpful.   This is something you can start at birth and continue for years.  The details may change, but the core parts can stay the same.  This encourages your child to settle in to sleep time, regardless of how long you spend on the routine or where you are.  You can travel and still do your routine.  You can easily explain to someone else how to handle bedtime.  And as I said, my favorite part, bedtime doesn't have to stretch for hours.  We can be silly and play, but still get into bed without a fight.  With a solid routine, everyone knows what is expected from them, making bedtime enjoyable for the whole family.

-Kim

It's a Babywise Friendly Blog Network Day!  All the ladies are talking about different aspects of routine.  Check out all the posts!

Twinning Babywise: Routines (or how to start your day off on the right side of the bed)
The Journey of Parenthood: Incorporating Mommy's Needs in the Daily Family Routine
Mama's Organized Chaos: Benefits and Types of Routines- And How You Can Use Routines Without Using Schedules
Chronicles of a Babywise Mom: The Key Element to Starting a Routine

Wonder Weeks Without the Stress

I remember discovering The Wonder Weeks (aff) when Ben was a baby.  I was of course googling everything I could on how to raise a baby- how to get them to sleep, how to form a schedule, what to do with them while they were awake.  Specifically I was curious how babies learn and perceive the world around them.  I, like most people with babies, found this sort of development fascinating and wanted to use this information to help my baby.  I was at first thrilled to find a reference that outlined specific leaps my baby would make and told me what they were experiencing.  I read a bit more and found graphics which visually showed me what to expect from my child. The thing is- there were a a lot of 'stormy periods' on these charts.  Like a whole lot.  Like my child's first year of life was going to be one long fuss fest. I was not excited about that.

Let's back up a moment.  What are the Wonder Weeks?  Simply stated these are times in your baby's life in which they are making huge strides in mental development.  Dr. Plooij developed the book.  He began his career studying chimpanzee mothers and babies.  After spending time cataloging behavior he found that the babies tended to follow a similar pattern of development, marked by sudden clingy behavior- regression- and then more independence- development.  Later Dr. Plooij started looking at these patterns in human mothers and babies.  He found a pattern of ten distinct times mental leaps were made.  He was able to use his data to find a timeline that many babies follow in this development, which became the wonder weeks. (reference)

Back to my experience with them.  I started following the weeks and saw when my son was supposed to be fussy.  Sure enough, if I saw that he was supposed to be cranky I saw all sorts of cranky behavior.  Then there were times when I looked at the chart and saw that he was supposed to be happy and he still had fussy times.  This was very depressing to me.  If he was crying during a 'sunny period' how bad would it get during the stormy periods?  At one point I stopped looking at the weeks as obsessively and noticed a drop in fussy behavior.  After a particularly sunny time I looked at the charts again and saw my son had supposedly just gone through a very rough period.  This was not what I observed.  I started to wonder if I was putting my own bias onto the wonder weeks- seeing behavior because I thought I was supposed to.

I found using the weeks added more stress to my life.  When I thought there would be fussy behaviors I saw fussy behaviors.  When I didn't focus on these behaviors I found them to be less noticeable and easier to handle.  So I stopped looking at the weeks.  If I was going through a particularly trying period with Ben I would glance at the leaps.  If they lined up it offered me the type of 'you're not crazy' reassurances I was needing. 

These discrepancies got me thinking.  Why do some babies follow the Wonder Weeks perfectly and others seem not to?  Why do some mothers notice it aligns better with the baby's birth date, not due date as the book suggests?  Does this mean the wonder weeks aren't legit?  Not necessarily.  I looked in to how this data was gathered.  Dr. Plooij used, at least at the start, self reported results from a group of mothers with young babies.  This is fine, but there are some inherit biases in self reported data.  People can over exaggerate what they see, or they can minimize effects.  This makes sense- we as humans report events tinged with what we feel about them.  So not every baby will got through the same experiences to the same degree.  As with any research of this sort, it is taking observations from a relatively small group, the ones Dr. Plooij observed, and applying it to a relatively large group, babies everywhere.  That means you are more likely to find outliers.  You can think about it this way.  If you were to observe a group of people you might find that they wake up and eat breakfast right away.  It can be safe to assume most people behave that way.  But as the group observed gets bigger, you might see people who work out before breakfast, or people who eat breakfast at work, or even people who skip breakfast all together.  Your original prediction for an unknown person that they will wake up and eat breakfast isn't wrong.  But as you look at more and more people, you will find more variations in the behavior.  Translated to the Wonder Weeks, this means it is a reasonable assumption that most babies will follow this pattern of behaviors, but it does not mean every baby will act the same way.  Some babies will hit leaps hard and display the typical behavior the book outlines.  Others will skate on through without you even knowing something changed.  Neither is a wrong way to grow or develop.  We have to remember that babies aren't robots.  They are all different.  Even identical twins might not exhibit the same reactions to their growing awareness of the world.

I think a big part of how children learn and grow is also how we as parents handle the behaviors displayed.  I know some mothers swear by the weeks.  They line up perfectly and their babies react in a textbook manner to them.  The weeks give them a sense of understanding and control enabling them to show patience and grace when dealing with their children.  That is great.  If these weeks work for you, I think that is wonderful.  But if you are like me and find them to add more stress to your life, I think you can safely put the information aside. Don't get me wrong, knowing the why behind how our children act can be so important.   Anything that helps us get through the tough early years of motherhood is beneficial.  But if you are like me and it created a sense of dread, then it isn't helpful.  I don't like that implication that I get from reading some websites that ignoring these weeks will somehow harm your child's development.  This book first came out in 1992.  Babies have been making mental developments long before then and before this book became mainstream.  You aren't going to limit your child's mental growth if you do not do specific exercises with them at just the right times.  You also aren't being a bad mom if you either aren't aware of the weeks or opt to not follow them closely.

The key takeaway I got is that these developments can understandably rock our children's worlds.  It makes sense that babies might get clingy, confused, or upset as they learn new things.  I find being told my baby will be fussy and clingy for long periods of time unhelpful.  But, as I said, if I am at a loss I will double check to see if a leap is going on.  This lets me know it isn't anything I am doing wrong as a parent, it is the developments my children are making.  Babies will make the leaps regardless of whether we know about them or not.  We should aim to be understanding and patient with our babies needs regardless of whether they are making a leap or not.  If this information is helpful for you- use it.  If, like me, it causes you more stress- ignore it.  You aren't hurting your kids by not stressing the leaps yourself.

You can check out the Wonder Weeks site for yourself to best decide if and how you want to use this information.

I have also put together a little no-stress cheat sheet.  It has the approximate timing of the leaps and the general development that is taking place.  What it doesn't have is if your child should be fussy or for how long cranky behaviors might last.  This is just meant as a quick guide to tuck into your notes to pull out when your child is acting out of sorts and you have gone through all your other reasoning for the behavior.  You can pull it out, see if it is a wonder week, and know that everything is developing as normal.  Or you can just keep an eye on what your child is experiencing without the details on potential fussy times.





-Kim

Hydration in babies, toddlers, and kids

The weather reports for a lot of the country are still, well, confusing.  It is still very winter in most places.  (Sigh, I almost miss that.  Almost.) Around here it is already hot.  Seriously, it is getting up to ninety degrees.  We aren't even in summer yet.  Most areas of the country will have some level of summer eventually.  Either you are experiencing warm weather already or dreaming of summer fun.  That means we need to worry about our our little ones getting enough water.  But how much water do babies and kids need?  How do I get them to drink it?  What should I do to keep us hydrated in hot weather?  Here are some guidelines to help out.

Hydration Guidelines for Babies
Let's start with the babies.  Newborns really shouldn't be offered water.  They are getting all the hydration they need from nursing or formula feedings.  If it is very hot and you can tell you need to drink more water you should offer up more nursing sessions to your babies.  Yes, this can be frustrating if you are scheduling feedings.  But really that young you are probably feeding them frequently anyway.  Formula fed babies might need additional feedings as well.  Up until two months of age babies really shouldn't have water.  They can fill up on that and miss important nutrients from feedings.  Water intoxication is very serious in babies.  Most babies this young have a lot of risks from being out in extreme heat, so if you are in this situation you are probably keeping to air conditioned environments as much as possible.  If you are stranded somewhere and nursing, offer up some breast milk to your baby.  If you are formula feeding try to keep some water and formula in the car.  Offer it to your baby even if it is off schedule.  Formula and breast milk are the safest options.

Starting at about four months babies can have some sips of water, but try to keep it to a minimum.  Really they only need about 2-4 ounces a day.  After six months of age they can have a bit more.  It is a good idea to introduce water at this young age though.  It helps them get used to it and enjoy it as the healthiest beverage.  If you are doing baby led weaning with your baby they will need to have a little extra water to avoid constipation.  A general rule of thumb is about as many ounces per day as months old the child is.  That means a seven month old should have about seven ounces of water, an eight month old eight ounces, etc.

Once babies are a year they can have water when thirsty.  Babies don't always let us know they are thirsty, so I follow the rule if I am thirsty, they probably are too.  I offer them drinks when I get one.

Hydration in young children
Children aged one through three need about 44 ounces of water, or about five and half cups.  Keep in mind they can also be getting some of the water from foods (about 20% of it).  After age four they need more.  There are of course variables to this.  Height, weight, activity level, etc. all come into play.  Basically that means this isn't a hard and fast number you have to stick by.  If you are out in the heat and sweating a lot you probably need more.

After age one a good idea is to keep water out for kids to grab when they feel thirsty.  Offer it up at meals.  And again, if you are hot and thirsty grab your little ones a drink too.

Getting kids to drink
Some kids are really into drinking water, while others need to be encouraged a bit.  There are few ways you can help your kids to drink water.
1) Have it handy.  If it is available kids are more likely to grab for it.  This means have some sippy cups of water in reach for your kids.  Water doesn't stain, so we allow water in any room of our house.  If that is too messy or just not what you want to do, try offering it up every hour or so.
2) Introduce the sippy cup at a young age. Once you are starting solids give your kid a sippy cup of water.  At first they will just play with it.  They will get the hang of it making it easier to get them to drink later.
3) Give them a cold one.  Ever since we moved my son asks for the cold water.  We invested (invested like twenty dollars, not that much) in a filtered pitcher.  It has been so worth any money spent.  We have good tasting, cold water that my kids love.
4) Try a splash of juice.  I use this trick to get my kids to start to drink from a sippy cup.  Water is good, but doesn't have a flavor.  A little juice gives a touch of flavor that entices your child to drink more.  Once they are drinking consistently I lower the amount of juice until it is just water.
5) Make flavored water yourself.  I sometimes add a couple lemon slices and cucumber slices to a pitcher of water to keep in the fridge.  There is a reason spas do this- it is so good! There are lots of combinations you can try, or just use whatever is in your fridge.  Check out my Pinterest board for some inspiration!
6) Freeze fruit in ice cubes.  It's fun for kids to look at and fun to drink.  As a fun activity your child could help you make the cubes too!

What to do when it is HOT
Sometimes you just have to get out when it is hot out.  It is important to make sure you keep your kids hydrated on the go.
1) Grab water when you walk out the door.  If you get into the habit of grabbing a bottle every time you go it will really help.  Like most things with kids, plan ahead on this one.  When you get home, wash out and refill your bottle so it is ready to grab next time you go out.
2) Keep water in the car.  We live in a HOT climate now.  We keep a small case of water in the trunk at all times. Yes, it might be warm and not taste super awesome, but it is better than nothing if we get stranded somewhere.
3) 'When your water is halfway gone, your hike is halfway done.'  I laugh when I read this at our local hiking trail.  It seems silly to have to say this, but it is so true!  If you are running out of water it is time to go.  It is not worth toughing anything out with your little ones.
4) Offer water when you get home.  Anytime we get home from being out I give my kids a drink of water.  We might have just been at the library, but it is still hot out.  Even if we took water with us when we were out- we get home, everyone gets a drink.
5) Offer your kids a drink whenever you take one when you are out.  Kids don't always know they are thirsty.  They might not have the words to tell you, or they might just be too busy playing to realize it.  A good rule is to always offer up drinks to the whole family when you take a sip.
6) Get a squirt top sport bottle for babies.  This might sound silly, but it really works for me.  I have a squirt top bottle that is pretty big.  My kids can all suck the water out of it.  The bonus is when you squeeze it water comes out of course.  With my girls I can basically squirt some water into them. (Not hard or meanly, just enough to get it going.) This entices them to drink more.
7) Let your kids pick their water bottle.  If bringing water or drinking when you are out is an issue you can try to let your kid pick out the bottle they want to use.  I don't like having to spend extra money, but chances are this will pay for itself in time.
8) Try popsicles.  They cool you off and have a good water content.  They are a fun way to cool off after outside activities.  You can get molds at most dollar stores to make your own if you would like.

Signs of dehydration
Alright, you have your plans in place to get enough water into your family.  But kids don't know when they are dehydrated.  What signs should you look for?
In Babies
1) Sleepiness
2) Irritability
3) Dry mouth, no tears
4) Soft spot appears sunken
5) Decrease in wet diapers (think less than six wet diapers in a 24 hour period, or going two to three hours without a wet diaper consistently)
In Children
1) Sleepiness
2) Irritability
3) Dry mouth, no tears
4) Lethargic
5) Dark yellow urine and going more than six hours without urinating
6) Complaints of headaches or dizziness

These are just some of the signs.  If you are worried your child is dehydrated offer them some water and call your doctor.  They will tell you what to do.  If you think it is serious, or if it is a young baby you might want to head to the ER.  It sounds like a trivial thing.  Oh, I'm just a bit dehydrated. But when it comes to kids and babies dehydration can be very serious.  Never feel bad for staying on the safe side and getting checked out.

Dehydration is no joke.  At worst it can have some serious health implications.  At best it can still be a real downer when your little ones are fussy.  Either way, I don't like to mess with it.  If you plan ahead and have good water drinking practices you will be in great shape to keep active and having fun, even in warmer weather.

-Kim

Want to learn more?  Here are some resources to check out!
Kelly Mom- Offering Water to Breastfed Babies
CNN.com- How much water do babies need to drink?
EatRight.org- Water: How much do kids needs?
EasyBabyLife.com- Spending time with baby in hot weather
Babycenter.com- Dehydration in children
Babycenter.com- How much water should my toddler drink?
EMedicineHealth.com- Dehydration in children
Mayoclinic.org- Dehydration
HealthyChildren.org- Signs of Dehydration in Infants and Children

These aren't the only resources or tips.  Have something to add?  Please let me know!  Knowledge is power after all. :)

8 years

Today is a good day.  Yes, it is Pi Day!  But that's the not the only reason.  Eight years ago today Pat and I stood up before friends, family, and God and promised to be husband and wife forever.  And no, I know I am am math and science geek, but we did not choose the date because it was Pi Day.  That is just a happy coincidence.

The eighth anniversary is bronze.  Now, we usually try to follow the traditional gifts every year.  We don't spend a ton of money, but we like to stick with the theme.  (And by we I totally mean me and Pat humors me and goes along with it.) This year neither of us could think of anything worth getting in a reasonable price for bronze.  That's right, we have officially reached the old married couple age.  We don't even do much for anniversaries anymore.  The thing is, this is one of my favorite yet.

I think bronze is a perfect representation of how far we have come as a couple in this past year.  The seven year anniversary is copper, and bronze is an alloy of copper and tin.  This may seem like it is getting muddled, but actually those extra additions make the metal stronger.  This past year has added so much to our lives.  We of course added the girls and made our big cross country move.  And through all these changes I really feel like we have gotten stronger, both as a family and as a couple.

So Patrick, my wonderful husband, thank you for another great year.  I am still so happy to be married to you.  I would stand up before the whole world and say I choose you again.  I love you and I am so happy to be your wife.  Happy anniversary my love.  I can't wait to see what this next year brings us.

We were such babies! What a magical day.

-Kim

Boxes. The answer is always boxes

Alright, up north the weather is going crazy.  First it's warm, then it's snowy again.  Around March you start to get a little antsy with all the indoor time.  I am used to that battle.  I can't really complain about the weather, but we haven't been getting out of the house as much here either.  The girls are super into crawling and cruising, but not yet walking.  They also still like to put most things in their mouth.  When we are out they need to stay in the stroller and that is starting to drive these busy ladies crazy.  Ben needs to move move move, so we needed to find a way to make all three kids happy.

How do you keep kids of all ages happy and busy while inside with minimal effort?  Boxes.  The answer is always boxes.  We happened to get a couple of big ones recently.  They live in our room for now, and every time we bring them out it is a bit hit.  

Right away Ali and Sammy were giggling and crawling up to see the fort Pat set up.  They were seriously beaming they were so excited to crawl on in.  

No invitation needed- these two crawling right in!

Ben loves boxes of all sizes.

So happy!!

It's a fort, it's a spaceship, it's a boat.  Seriously, a great toy for imaginative play. 

Days later, still loving the boxes.

One happy lady. 

Ben made all sorts of arrangements with the boxes.  We had towers, forts, and castles.  One box was a spaceship then later a boat.  The girls got exiled to jail while Ben was a cowboy.  Fortunately Ali and Sammy were so happy to be in a box they didn't mind serving their time.

When Daddy was home you can bet he got recruited to play box too.

Pat had to hold the girls back to let Ben build.  He had plans!

Peek a boo!

Escape!  Ben found a place to get away from it all.  Well, mainly away from little sisters. ;)

These girls felt like big kids playing like big brother.

So much love in one box!

 And yes, the boxes got some use even after the kids went to bed.

Happy kitty in her box.

It is crazy that the simplest things can make kids the happiest.  We will keep pulling these boxes out every few weeks until they are destroyed.  It is the best way to spend an afternoon or evening. I love seeing Ben use his imagination, and it warms my heart to see him include his little sisters in the fun.  They of course adore that big brother is playing with them.

Seriously, when you get into a rut, when you can't get outside, when you just want an easy fun thing to do.  Boxes.  Always boxes.


-Kim

When Ignoring is a beneficial discipline tool and Discipline Delay Tactics-BFBN

To wrap up our week on discipline, we have two great posts!  

First up is Emily from The Journey of Parenthood.  She is talking about ignoring your kids.  Ha, okay, I am simplifying a lot.  But it is a valid technique.  Kids will act out for attention at times, and sometimes ignoring it is the best way to go.  She writes:

"One useful tool I have in my parenting toolbox for discipline is the tool of ignoring. While it's not my everyday all day go to item, it is one that can be extremely effective if used in the right situation. And it's not as easy of a discipline method as it may sound. Ignoring a child while they are pitching a fit? Not easy. Ignoring a child who insists they don't want to meet Mickey Mouse after you've stood in line for an hour? Not easy. My husband and I have both been working harder at ignoring when necessary and it really does work so we're getting better at it ;) "

Head on over to The Journey of Parenthood to see more!

We also have Cole from Twinning Babywise.  She is talking about discipline delay tactics.  We all want our kids to obey the first time, but we also want to give them chances to make the right choice.  Cole offers up some good suggestions on how to work towards making the right choice the first time.  She writes:

"These, among many others, are discipline delay tactics. On the surface, the purpose of these statements is to offer the child a second chance to obey, but in actuality the point is release the parent from the responsibility of disciplining. Discipline isn't fun for the child or the parent, so they are hoping to avoid it by giving the child more opportunities to obey.

The problem is that delaying discipline is inherently destructive to instilling an understanding of actual obedience."

Check out Twinning Babywise to read more!

-Kim

This wraps up this BFBN week!  Check out all the ladies for their wise words on discipline.

Monday: Valerie at Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
Tuesday: Natasha at Let's Be Brave

Wednesday:  Katrina at Mama's Organized Chaos 

Thursday: Kimberly at Team Cartwright and Carrie at Wiley Adventures

Friday: Emily at The Journey of Parenthood and Cole at Twinning Babywise

Big feelings: Talking through tantrums with your child

Confession: When my son has a tantrum, I try not to punish him.  Oh, I don't want him acting out like that.  Tantrums are absolutely something to avoid and unacceptable behavior.  But I think tantrums in toddlers and preschoolers aren't telling us that our children need more discipline or are out of control.  I think they are telling us our children are having some big feelings they don't know how to deal with.

Yep, I am one of those moms who spends a lot of time talking about feelings. When my son is melting down I try my best not to respond to just his actions, but to really get to the heart of why he is having the tantrum.  I know, it sounds crazy to think a two or three year old can get into the reasoning behind how they are behaving.  I don't expect a total introspection session or anything, but I have seen that taking the time to help my child think through the whys does impact future behavior.  Slowly he is learning to self regulate.  My ultimate goal is to help my children become adults who can recognize and respect how they feel, without letting those feelings control them.

So, kid's having a tantrum.  What do we do?

Leave the trigger zone and go to a safe space
I usually do send Ben to sit on his bed if he is tantruming hard.  This is for a few reasons.  One is so we can get away from whatever is kicking off the tantrum.  Sometimes just stepping away from the situation helps.  Two it gets us into a safe space away from the girls.  Ben doesn't do anything to put them in danger, but if he is throwing things or running around I don't want him to accidentally run into them.  Additionally I try not to discipline Ben in front of his sisters or other people.  Oh, he gets some admonishments and reminders of rules in front of them.  But I feel the real deep discipline is best done without an audience.  Ali and Sammy don't know what is going on yet, but I do think they can feel the negative atmosphere that can go along with a tantrum.  I don't want shame to be a part of our discipline approach, so I don't want it to be a spectator activity.  Getting Ben away from everyone else lets him focus on what he needs to work through.  It also lets me give him more of my focus and attention.  Finally, Ben loves his room and his bed.  This is a place he feels safe.  Feeling safe is a big deal.  If he feels he is in a good place it is easier to calm down and process what is happening. It takes away some of the adrenaline reaction that can take place when emotions get too overwhelming.

Give everyone a chance to calm down
I usually don't go right in to the room after Ben does.  I give him a moment to calm down.  I also give myself a moment to collect my thoughts.  I am the adult in this situation, I need to make sure I act like it. It is so easy to get frustrated and take the behavior personally.  I take a moment to think through how I want to handle the situation.  Taking a moment lets me make sure that it is practical and safe to take some time to talk through the situation.  Are Ali and Sammy in a safe space?  Did I leave anything on the stove, or anything out that shouldn't be unattended?  By pausing I can be sure everything else is safe and I can give myself the time I need to handle the situation.

Time in
Once I make sure I am calm and everything in the house is safe to be left alone for a few moments, I step in to Ben's room.  Here the approach varies a bit.  If Ben is having a tantrum over something he knows he is not supposed to do I give him a chance to apologize.  Often I have to help him work through the words and remember what he has done.  If he is still upset I hug him until he calms down a bit.  Then he has to sit back on his bed until we finish our talk.

It seems counter-intuitive sometimes to offer hugs and reassurances when our children misbehave.  But the thing is, they still need us even when they do something wrong.  I want Ben to know that I am always on his side, no matter what.  It doesn't matter what he did, I am there for him and I love him.  If I don't show him that I love him and am still a safe person to talk to when the transgressions are little, how is he going to know he can come to me when he is older and the stakes are higher?  My job as a parent is to show discipline and teach him the rules, but it is also to show him love no matter what.

The Talk
Alright, now we are in the meat of the interaction.  Once Ben has calmed a bit and apologized for the tantrum, I try to help him name his feelings.  This is helps him build his emotional vocabulary and recognize what he is feeling.  I think when we name his feeling he can more easily recognize what caused that feeling.  We can start building his toolkit of how to handle his feelings.  Is he angry? Sad?  Frustrated?  I tell him how I feel too.  My hope is that this helps him see how his actions impact others.

After we have named his feeling we talk about what that means and appropriate ways to channel that feeling.  I never want him to think what he feels is wrong.  His feelings are legit.  He can feel any way he needs, but he isn't allowed to act out any way he wants.  We spend a lot of time practicing taking deep breaths.  (And if you think three is too young for this you'd be surprised.  He can employ this method on his own! Sometimes at least. :) ) For sadness we can hug our lovie or ask for a hug from mom or dad.  We can think about why something made us sad.  For example, we are sad we can't watch a tv show.  Can we think of a time when we will get to watch a show?  Can we think of other fun things to do?  For anger Ben can hit his bed.  I don't want him to think it is okay to physically lash out at others.  But I know having some sort of physical outlet to release anger can be helpful, so Ben needs a safe place to do that.  For anger and frustration Ben can ask for help.  He can squeeze his fists.  We are always working on relaxing our shoulders along with our deep breaths.  For all of his emotions I am trying to teach him to name his feelings out loud.  He is allowed to tell me any way he feels.  You'd be amazed at the change when I told him he is allowed to say, "I'm mad at you, Mommy."  The first time I told him he could be mad at me his anger almost melted right in that second.  Having the freedom to feel is huge, and goes very far in diffusing unwanted actions as a result of those feelings.  I tend to repeat myself a lot.  But Ben is three, and repetition works.  I try to parrot back how he feels so he knows he is heard.  At any age knowing your thoughts are getting across matters.  No one likes to feel misunderstood.

Final actions
After we have talked that is usually the end.  I don't really like prolonged punishments, I don't think they are super effective on a three year old.  Ben needs to apologize to whomever had to witness the tantrum.  My goal with this is not to embarrass him, but to show him his actions impact those around him.  Yes, this usually means that he is apologizing to one year olds who have no clue what is going on, but still I think the exercise has a point.  We also decide how to re-handle the situation that caused the tantrum.  This can mean getting a different toy to play with.  It could be asking for help.  Basically we re-do what happened.

Not at home
These steps all work great if you are at home.  But what about tantrums when you are out and about?  You can still use the same basic ideas.  Instead of your child going to a safe space, you can just pull them aside and have them sit for a moment.  The key is to get away from the trigger zone that has caused the tantrum.  If there is a safe space for them to calm down alone great.  If not it can work to calm yourself down right next to them.  You might not actually need to calm down, but take a second to center yourself.  This gives your child a moment to pull themselves together a bit too, if they are able.  The rest of it, the hugging, the talking, the final actions can all take place wherever you are.

Conclusion
I have found this works best in tandem with other methods.  For example if Ben throws a non throwing toy he still loses that toy for a bit after we talk about the tantrum.  A tantrum isn't a way to get out of consequences.  They are two separate issues.  Repeated tantrums over the same issue probably need a different approach.  But overall I have found this to be very effective.  A big reason for tantrums at this young age is not knowing how to handle these big emotions, and not feeling like you are being heard.  Taking the time to work through feelings builds a child's emotional vocabulary and starts them on the road to working through challenging feelings in a positive way.  It really does pay off to take the time and get to the why behind the what.

-Kim

Be sure to check out all the posts this week!

Monday: Valerie at Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
Tuesday: Natasha at Let's Be Brave

Wednesday:  Katrina at Mama's Organized Chaos 

Thursday: Kimberly at Team Cartwright and Carrie at Wiley Adventures

Friday: Emily at The Journey of Parenthood and Cole at Twinning Babywise