No touching: Why I don't make my child hug

This post originally appeared as a guest post on Wiley Adventures in May 2016.  

 Every knows this scenario- A distant relative (or not so distant) comes to visit, and wants to give your little one a big hug and kiss.  The child in question says no and tries to run away.  Often we see the child getting hugged and kissed anyway.  But in real life what should we do?  For me- if my child doesn't want to hug or kiss you, he doesn't have to.  I know not everyone agrees with that, but I will not allow my child to be forced into hugging or kissing anyone.

Why?  It comes down to one basic thing: it is his body.  He has a right to choose who he shares that body and affection with.  It's hard to think beyond our perspective sometimes.  When we want to hug a child it's because we love them so much and want to share that with them.  It can be hard to see it from the child's perspective.  I think about when I visit my nieces and nephew.  I love those kids.  I have known them their whole lives.  I have changed their diapers. I get pictures and updates from my sister in law.  I know all their developments, big and little.  But to them, I am someone they only get to see a couple of times a year.  So while I feel like I know them really well, they may feel like I am a stranger, and not want to hug.  I know I don't want to hug strangers, so why should they?  I feel the same way with my son.  I know his relatives who live far away love him and have seen tons of pictures of him.  That doesn't mean that he has the same knowledge of them, and it doesn't mean that he is as eager for hugs.

I am trying to teach my kids to trust their instincts and stand up for themselves.  If they are uncomfortable with a situation, I want them to be able to step back and say no.  This is especially true when protecting their body is at stake.  I think it is very confusing to tell them they can say no to people touching them, but sometimes they have to just let themselves be hugged against their wills.  When you are a small child, this is very hard to understand!  And no, I don't at all think they have the emotional capacity to think of the other person's point of view.  Yes,  I will try to explain that great aunt whomever is safe and just wants to share the love she has for him in the form of a hug.  But it is going to take them time to reach that understanding.  I also try to think about what it is like when you are that little.  Someone way bigger and stronger than you wants to hug you, which basically is holding you against your will.  You can't fight back, you are too small.  That is scary!  I don't want my child feeling afraid of physical affection, and forcing it upon someone is no way to promote healthy touch between people.

I also don't try to guilt my child into hugging someone.  I don't mind trying a couple of times to suggest he give hugs.  But I do not think it is fair to tell a two year old that they are hurting a grown adult's feelings by not hugging.  The adult should be, well, the adult in the situation and accept that the child does not want to hug.  Sure, it stings a little.  No one like to be rejected.  But I feel that using this technique to get a hug is teaching the child that they should feel ashamed or guilty when they try to protect themselves.  That is not right.  They have to right to decide who touches them and how in these situations.  

Don't get me wrong, I insist my child acknowledge others.  As I wrote about here, it is good manners and important to speak with others.  High fives, fist bumps, hellos.  These are all fine to push a little.  As adults sometimes we have to shake hands with and greet people we don't really want to.  But rarely do we have to hug someone we truly don't want to.  And when we do (probably a similar situation as I led with, a distant relative with a penchant for big hugs) we have the emotional capacity to understand why we are doing this and why we can still say no to others touching us.

So no, my child might not hug you.  I will ask him if he is sure he doesn't want to, but at the end of the day it is his body and his decision.  I want him to know that his mother backs him up.  He is learning what his boundaries are for his personal space, and I support him in those decisions.  This might not be the popular position, and it might not be how other families feel.  But for me, it feels right.  

-Kim

Stop Fearing Math and Science (A plea to parents to help their children embrace the STEM fields)

Recently I saw an article discussing new ways to attract young people back to science.  While I think this is awesome- we totally need to bring youth back to science- it made me think.  Why are we pushing them away in the first place?  If you will excuse me, I'm going to jump on my science and math soap box.

It all starts with the parents.  We all know we can't tell our kids we hate vegetables or that exercising is the worst and then expect them to willing partake in them.  We can't tell them reading is the worst and expect them to be eager to pick up a book.  So why do we think it is okay to talk about how much we hate or hated math and science?  It doesn't make sense.  We as parents are huge influences in our children's lives, whether we all think so or not.  So step one: Stop talking about how much you hate math and science!  Just stop.  I don't want to hear Oh, I don't want to lie to my kids. One, you don't have to lie, just keep some things to yourself.  Two, almost everyone filters the truth to be appropriate for their kids.  Do you really tell your kids everything in explicit detail all the time?  Do you tell them all about your childhood trouble making?  Do you tell them what you and your spouse did last night (wink wink, nudge nudge.)  No, you probably don't.  You make sure you are passing on information in an age appropriate way.  I'm not saying you have to tell your toddler you love chemistry when you don't.  Just don't tell them all the reasons you think it's the worst and still have nightmares about it.  You can talk to a teenager about why you didn't like science class.  Sure, that kind of open conversation is fine.  But you can't tell a four year old you hate math and never use it.  They just aren't going to get the difference.  So, no saying you hate these things.

Step two: Stop being afraid to not know something.  This is a tough one.  I think this is where a lot of hatred and fear of math and especially science can come from.  No one wants to feel like they are stupid or just plain not in the know.  I get that.  The thing is, science is all about embracing what we don't know.  It's kind of the whole point.  You look at something and think- I don't know how that works.  But I would like to.  And bam, suddenly you are doing science.  Or something close to it.  Kids are naturally so curious about the world around them.  They are questioning everything.  Tell them the truth if you don't know why the sky is blue.  Who cares if you don't know?  Your kids certainly don't.  They want to know if you can help them find out the answer.  You know the advantage you have as an adult?  You have to resources to find that answer.  We have this amazing thing called the internet.  Look it up with your child!  Go to the library and find a book.  Find a friend who might know the answer.  Heck, email me and I will help and look it up for you.  Science is about asking questions and the search for answers, not just the answer itself.  Show your child how to look for information.  It's the whole 'teach a man to fish thing.'  Show them how to find answers for themselves and they will go far.  Do not feel bad if you don't know something you think you should know.  I think it is natural to want to avoid looking foolish.  But not knowing some facts does not make you unintelligent.  I remember taking biology and learning all about the Krebs cycle.  I am pretty sure I aced that test.  Do I remember any of it now?  No.  Does that mean I am stupid?  Of course not.  It just means this is not working knowledge I need to get through my life.  Very few people remember every fact they ever learned.  There is also the chance you never learned the fact in the first place.  Again, if it is not something that you need to function from day to day, why feel bad?  It doesn't mean you are dumb because you didn't seek out an answer you didn't need.  Our children need to see us admit we don't know something, but are able to learn something new.

Along with admitting you don't know something is step three: Stop saying you don't need math or science in real life.  You do and you use them.  Every. Single. Day.  You use them.  Ever cut slices of a cake?  You are making equal pieces out of a whole.  Guess what?  Fractions!  Ever scale up or down a recipe?  Ratios.  Want to decide if a coupon for one product makes it cheaper than another?  Percentages.  The kitchen alone is huge for science.  We mix and combine and chemical processes are taking place.  Have a job and pay bills?  You are using addition and subtraction.  (Probably more subtraction than we would like.)  The point is you do need these skills every single day.  It would be very hard to get through life without them.  So maybe they aren't your favorite things, but they are necessary to survive.  You might not need quantum physics every day, but guess what, you do use gravity.  Ever use a ramp or pulley system to aid in moving something?  Simple machines-physics.  Mixing paints to do an art project?  Glue drying and holding something together?  Chemistry.  You can't escape science and math, so stop trying.  If we admit how much of our lives involve these things they will become less scary,  They are not an 'other' that needs to be placed in their own category far away from everything else.  They are everywhere.

Let's try to remember STEM can be fun.  Read Shakespeare out loud in a monotone even cadence.  Pretty boring.  See it performed- suddenly it is amazing!  A simple recitation of dates and events can get dry.  Talk to someone who lived it an hear their real story?  History is as alive as ever.  Same thing with science and math.  We don't have to make it hard for ourselves.  You don't have to give formal math lessons to your kids, just let the numbers be.  They are all around us.  Let your kids help you count out silverware as you set the table.  Talk about cutting things in half.  Let them hear you adding up numbers.  You don't need to be in a lab to do science.  Let them look at different leaves as they change colors.  Set up a ramp and roll cars down.  Take a bath and look at what sinks or floats.  Observe birds as the fly around.  Just pay attention to the world and let your kids play.

A lot of confusion and uncertainty would disappear if we all stopped being afraid of science and math.  It is just life, people.  Literally- your bodies are full of biological and chemical processes.  So parents, lets all work on this and maybe we won't turn as many kids away from the STEM fields in the first place.  To recap- stop saying you hate STEM.  You might, but you aren't helping your children by telling them this too much.  Keep your opinion to yourself.  Honestly, maybe if you rediscover these things with your kids you will like them more.  Aren't most things more interesting when we see how much our children enjoy them?  Admit you don't know things.  There aren't any tests here!  Who cares what you know or don't know?  STEM is all about not knowing and looking for answers.  The journey is as important as the finish line.  Seriously, we all want our kids to learn to be problem solvers.  See a problem, think of possible reasons why it is happening.  Think of ways to solve it.  Implement said solution to test it out.  Learn and either try again or move on.  Sounds a lot like the scientific method to me.  If your kids see you eager to learn they will be eager to learn.  If they see you question the world they will question it.  If they see you not afraid to make a mistake they won't be afraid to try.  You get to teach them how to find good sources and be their own judge of information.  (Smart in this day of alternative facts.)  Admit that STEM is everywhere.  You are not escaping it.  It is not just not part of your life.  It is your life.


I am not trying to offend anyone with this, even though I know it is kind of a rant.  I'm sorry if I did.  I just passionately feel that STEM is all around and a part of daily life.  It isn't just for an elite few who work on the super hard problems and cutting edge technology.  It is for everyone.  I want to do everything I can to help kids and adults embrace math and science.  So I am completely serious- if you come across a science or math question you can't answer for your kids email me at teamcartwrightblog@gmail.com.  I can't promise perfection, but I will do everything I can to at least point you in the right direction to find the answer.  And remember parents- it is about the process, not just the answer.

-Kim

Spring Cleaning- The 3 bottle system that cleans almost the whole house (with your kids!)

One of my least favorite parts of being a mom is all the cleaning up I have to do.  It is constant!  Three kids, two of them one year olds that feed themselves?  Yes, we have a lot of messes.  I want to make sure our house is a clean, but I like to spend as little time as possible cleaning.  This means I have consolidated my daily cleaning needs into just three cleansers.  Now, these aren't for deep scrubbing or specific jobs.  These are for the general surface cleaning we need to do every day.  But by having these three bottles handy I am able to keep the house looking good quickly.  I spend more time between deep cleans, because I don't let them mess build up.  I am also able to do all this for as little money as possible.  Clean and cheap, that's my goal.  Let's break down how it works.

The tools:
Squirt bottles- I get mine at the dollar store.  They are always available, so if one gets worn out it is easy to pick up another.  $1 each.
Rags- I use old wash cloths or towels cut into pieces.  I got some hand me down towels from Pat's grandma, but you can also pick up a couple at your dollar store.  $1 each.
Sponges- I get the simple six pack at the dollar store.  You can microwave them to kill bacteria and make them last longer.
Paper Towels- I know, these aren't environmentally friendly.  But they are pretty handy.  And if a job is really gross I like to be able to just throw them away.

The tools for my daily cleaning.

The cleansers:
Vinegar solution- One cup white vinegar to one cup water and scale up as you need to. Vinegar at Target is $2.99 for 128 oz.
Bleach solution- Two teaspoons to a gallon of water should make a basic cleanser for almost everything in the house.  Bleach is $2.99 for 121 oz.
Water- free!  This one will come in handy for your children to clean with you.
(These concentrations match what I got from the bottles of vinegar and bleach.  Always be careful when diluting your cleansers and be aware of the surface types you are using them on.  Test in a small patch if you aren't sure, or google it. I am not responsible for what you put on your surfaces. Store your bleach and vinegar in safe locations, especially the bleach.  It is not safe for kids.)

The Uses:
Bottle 1: Vinegar solution.  This is my first line of defense for just about everything.  It is a great cleaner, it is environmentally friendly, and it is safe for kids and pets.  I keep it on my counter and use it pretty frequently.  It works great in the kitchen and the bathroom.  It can be used on most walls and floors.  Seriously, I haven't found a place I can't use it.  I wipe down high chairs, baby toys, counters, everything.  I like keeping this bottle handy while I'm cooking to clean up any messes on the spot without worrying about food contamination. I can clean around the kids safely.  It is safe on my floors and walls.

Bottle 2: Bleach solution.  The bleach solution is for the big guys.  Toilets?  Bleach.  Someone has been sick?  We get the bleach.  I also use it in my shower.  The shower only standing stalls are great, but they don't dry out easily, making it easy for mold to form.  I use the bleach solution in the sinks and showers every so often to make sure it is really clean.  I also use it on my kitchen sink.  Of course you need to be aware of your surfaces when using bleach, and keep it away from your children and pets.  But it is the cheapest way to make sure a surface is really clean.

Bottle 3: Water.  This bottle goes to my helper.  Ben is at an age where he wants to help with everything.  He can use the vinegar solution without any real concern, but I prefer to err on the side of caution.  Plus giving him his own bottle means I can use the actual cleanser and not have to switch back and forth with him.  It saves some arguing and time.  If you are in to oils you can add some for scent, but water is enough for my son.

Safety and labeling:
An important thing to do when you have your own cleansers is to label.  Any good chemist will tell you need to label your solutions.  With kids in the house and homemade cleaners it is even more important.  I put clear easy to read labels on all my bottles, even the water.  I know what is in my bottles, but I want to make sure anyone who comes in contact with them knows.

Nothing fancy, but clear labels.

The actual cleaning solutions have different color tops from the water.  If the labels fall off I know which bottles have cleaning products in them.  The water bottle also has stickers, making it easier for my helper to identify which is his bottle.  This also makes it a bit more fun for him.  I can tell him to go get his bottle and he knows exactly which one I mean.  The bleach bottle has the frowny face and the big red Xs on them.  I am trying to teach my kids that they need to stay away from the frowny faces.  They can't read yet so these pictures send the message.  The big red Xs are kind of a universal symbol that something isn't safe about this bottle.

No doubt which one isn't for the kids.

The labeling is important if you ever have other people in the house.  It makes it pretty clear what is unsafe for children to have.  I also like to use the across the room test with my items.  I want to be able to tell from across the room if my children have gotten a hold of something and how dangerous it is.  If they get the vinegar I can tell from the lack of stickers and color of the sprayer.  Not great that they have it, but not the end of the world.  It is a much bigger deal if they get the bleach, and I want to be able to see that right away.  Of course I try to keep these supplies tucked away and safe.  But life is busy and I am human, things could get left out.  These labels are not an excuse to not be careful, but an additional level of safety.  Better safe than sorry.

Cleaning with kids: I try to get Ben involved with the daily tasks around the house.  (Ali and Sammy are still too little of course.)  Part of being a family is taking care of our home.  Any time I clean up the kitchen I encourage Ben to help.  He loves to grab his helper bottle and wipe down the table for me.  I try to get him involved with other jobs.  He can use his bottle to help me wipe up spills, clean baseboards, wipe down walls, and clean up the sink in the bathrooms.  Yes, I have to go back and touch it up sometimes.  But the important part is that he is learning to clean up after himself and others.  He is also so proud of himself for being able to help out!

Helper in action!

He's great at wiping down the table and loves having his own bottle.

Three bottles, two levels of cleaning, one big helper learning to take care of the house.  Again this is surface level cleaning, but I can whip these bottles out and handle just about any day to day mess my kids throw at me.  As a bonus I am teaching my kids to clean too.  Wins!

-Kim

Hydration in babies, toddlers, and kids

The weather reports for a lot of the country are still, well, confusing.  It is still very winter in most places.  (Sigh, I almost miss that.  Almost.) Around here it is already hot.  Seriously, it is getting up to ninety degrees.  We aren't even in summer yet.  Most areas of the country will have some level of summer eventually.  Either you are experiencing warm weather already or dreaming of summer fun.  That means we need to worry about our our little ones getting enough water.  But how much water do babies and kids need?  How do I get them to drink it?  What should I do to keep us hydrated in hot weather?  Here are some guidelines to help out.

Hydration Guidelines for Babies
Let's start with the babies.  Newborns really shouldn't be offered water.  They are getting all the hydration they need from nursing or formula feedings.  If it is very hot and you can tell you need to drink more water you should offer up more nursing sessions to your babies.  Yes, this can be frustrating if you are scheduling feedings.  But really that young you are probably feeding them frequently anyway.  Formula fed babies might need additional feedings as well.  Up until two months of age babies really shouldn't have water.  They can fill up on that and miss important nutrients from feedings.  Water intoxication is very serious in babies.  Most babies this young have a lot of risks from being out in extreme heat, so if you are in this situation you are probably keeping to air conditioned environments as much as possible.  If you are stranded somewhere and nursing, offer up some breast milk to your baby.  If you are formula feeding try to keep some water and formula in the car.  Offer it to your baby even if it is off schedule.  Formula and breast milk are the safest options.

Starting at about four months babies can have some sips of water, but try to keep it to a minimum.  Really they only need about 2-4 ounces a day.  After six months of age they can have a bit more.  It is a good idea to introduce water at this young age though.  It helps them get used to it and enjoy it as the healthiest beverage.  If you are doing baby led weaning with your baby they will need to have a little extra water to avoid constipation.  A general rule of thumb is about as many ounces per day as months old the child is.  That means a seven month old should have about seven ounces of water, an eight month old eight ounces, etc.

Once babies are a year they can have water when thirsty.  Babies don't always let us know they are thirsty, so I follow the rule if I am thirsty, they probably are too.  I offer them drinks when I get one.

Hydration in young children
Children aged one through three need about 44 ounces of water, or about five and half cups.  Keep in mind they can also be getting some of the water from foods (about 20% of it).  After age four they need more.  There are of course variables to this.  Height, weight, activity level, etc. all come into play.  Basically that means this isn't a hard and fast number you have to stick by.  If you are out in the heat and sweating a lot you probably need more.

After age one a good idea is to keep water out for kids to grab when they feel thirsty.  Offer it up at meals.  And again, if you are hot and thirsty grab your little ones a drink too.

Getting kids to drink
Some kids are really into drinking water, while others need to be encouraged a bit.  There are few ways you can help your kids to drink water.
1) Have it handy.  If it is available kids are more likely to grab for it.  This means have some sippy cups of water in reach for your kids.  Water doesn't stain, so we allow water in any room of our house.  If that is too messy or just not what you want to do, try offering it up every hour or so.
2) Introduce the sippy cup at a young age. Once you are starting solids give your kid a sippy cup of water.  At first they will just play with it.  They will get the hang of it making it easier to get them to drink later.
3) Give them a cold one.  Ever since we moved my son asks for the cold water.  We invested (invested like twenty dollars, not that much) in a filtered pitcher.  It has been so worth any money spent.  We have good tasting, cold water that my kids love.
4) Try a splash of juice.  I use this trick to get my kids to start to drink from a sippy cup.  Water is good, but doesn't have a flavor.  A little juice gives a touch of flavor that entices your child to drink more.  Once they are drinking consistently I lower the amount of juice until it is just water.
5) Make flavored water yourself.  I sometimes add a couple lemon slices and cucumber slices to a pitcher of water to keep in the fridge.  There is a reason spas do this- it is so good! There are lots of combinations you can try, or just use whatever is in your fridge.  Check out my Pinterest board for some inspiration!
6) Freeze fruit in ice cubes.  It's fun for kids to look at and fun to drink.  As a fun activity your child could help you make the cubes too!

What to do when it is HOT
Sometimes you just have to get out when it is hot out.  It is important to make sure you keep your kids hydrated on the go.
1) Grab water when you walk out the door.  If you get into the habit of grabbing a bottle every time you go it will really help.  Like most things with kids, plan ahead on this one.  When you get home, wash out and refill your bottle so it is ready to grab next time you go out.
2) Keep water in the car.  We live in a HOT climate now.  We keep a small case of water in the trunk at all times. Yes, it might be warm and not taste super awesome, but it is better than nothing if we get stranded somewhere.
3) 'When your water is halfway gone, your hike is halfway done.'  I laugh when I read this at our local hiking trail.  It seems silly to have to say this, but it is so true!  If you are running out of water it is time to go.  It is not worth toughing anything out with your little ones.
4) Offer water when you get home.  Anytime we get home from being out I give my kids a drink of water.  We might have just been at the library, but it is still hot out.  Even if we took water with us when we were out- we get home, everyone gets a drink.
5) Offer your kids a drink whenever you take one when you are out.  Kids don't always know they are thirsty.  They might not have the words to tell you, or they might just be too busy playing to realize it.  A good rule is to always offer up drinks to the whole family when you take a sip.
6) Get a squirt top sport bottle for babies.  This might sound silly, but it really works for me.  I have a squirt top bottle that is pretty big.  My kids can all suck the water out of it.  The bonus is when you squeeze it water comes out of course.  With my girls I can basically squirt some water into them. (Not hard or meanly, just enough to get it going.) This entices them to drink more.
7) Let your kids pick their water bottle.  If bringing water or drinking when you are out is an issue you can try to let your kid pick out the bottle they want to use.  I don't like having to spend extra money, but chances are this will pay for itself in time.
8) Try popsicles.  They cool you off and have a good water content.  They are a fun way to cool off after outside activities.  You can get molds at most dollar stores to make your own if you would like.

Signs of dehydration
Alright, you have your plans in place to get enough water into your family.  But kids don't know when they are dehydrated.  What signs should you look for?
In Babies
1) Sleepiness
2) Irritability
3) Dry mouth, no tears
4) Soft spot appears sunken
5) Decrease in wet diapers (think less than six wet diapers in a 24 hour period, or going two to three hours without a wet diaper consistently)
In Children
1) Sleepiness
2) Irritability
3) Dry mouth, no tears
4) Lethargic
5) Dark yellow urine and going more than six hours without urinating
6) Complaints of headaches or dizziness

These are just some of the signs.  If you are worried your child is dehydrated offer them some water and call your doctor.  They will tell you what to do.  If you think it is serious, or if it is a young baby you might want to head to the ER.  It sounds like a trivial thing.  Oh, I'm just a bit dehydrated. But when it comes to kids and babies dehydration can be very serious.  Never feel bad for staying on the safe side and getting checked out.

Dehydration is no joke.  At worst it can have some serious health implications.  At best it can still be a real downer when your little ones are fussy.  Either way, I don't like to mess with it.  If you plan ahead and have good water drinking practices you will be in great shape to keep active and having fun, even in warmer weather.

-Kim

Want to learn more?  Here are some resources to check out!
Kelly Mom- Offering Water to Breastfed Babies
CNN.com- How much water do babies need to drink?
EatRight.org- Water: How much do kids needs?
EasyBabyLife.com- Spending time with baby in hot weather
Babycenter.com- Dehydration in children
Babycenter.com- How much water should my toddler drink?
EMedicineHealth.com- Dehydration in children
Mayoclinic.org- Dehydration
HealthyChildren.org- Signs of Dehydration in Infants and Children

These aren't the only resources or tips.  Have something to add?  Please let me know!  Knowledge is power after all. :)

Boxes. The answer is always boxes

Alright, up north the weather is going crazy.  First it's warm, then it's snowy again.  Around March you start to get a little antsy with all the indoor time.  I am used to that battle.  I can't really complain about the weather, but we haven't been getting out of the house as much here either.  The girls are super into crawling and cruising, but not yet walking.  They also still like to put most things in their mouth.  When we are out they need to stay in the stroller and that is starting to drive these busy ladies crazy.  Ben needs to move move move, so we needed to find a way to make all three kids happy.

How do you keep kids of all ages happy and busy while inside with minimal effort?  Boxes.  The answer is always boxes.  We happened to get a couple of big ones recently.  They live in our room for now, and every time we bring them out it is a bit hit.  

Right away Ali and Sammy were giggling and crawling up to see the fort Pat set up.  They were seriously beaming they were so excited to crawl on in.  

No invitation needed- these two crawling right in!

Ben loves boxes of all sizes.

So happy!!

It's a fort, it's a spaceship, it's a boat.  Seriously, a great toy for imaginative play. 

Days later, still loving the boxes.

One happy lady. 

Ben made all sorts of arrangements with the boxes.  We had towers, forts, and castles.  One box was a spaceship then later a boat.  The girls got exiled to jail while Ben was a cowboy.  Fortunately Ali and Sammy were so happy to be in a box they didn't mind serving their time.

When Daddy was home you can bet he got recruited to play box too.

Pat had to hold the girls back to let Ben build.  He had plans!

Peek a boo!

Escape!  Ben found a place to get away from it all.  Well, mainly away from little sisters. ;)

These girls felt like big kids playing like big brother.

So much love in one box!

 And yes, the boxes got some use even after the kids went to bed.

Happy kitty in her box.

It is crazy that the simplest things can make kids the happiest.  We will keep pulling these boxes out every few weeks until they are destroyed.  It is the best way to spend an afternoon or evening. I love seeing Ben use his imagination, and it warms my heart to see him include his little sisters in the fun.  They of course adore that big brother is playing with them.

Seriously, when you get into a rut, when you can't get outside, when you just want an easy fun thing to do.  Boxes.  Always boxes.


-Kim

Big feelings: Talking through tantrums with your child

Confession: When my son has a tantrum, I try not to punish him.  Oh, I don't want him acting out like that.  Tantrums are absolutely something to avoid and unacceptable behavior.  But I think tantrums in toddlers and preschoolers aren't telling us that our children need more discipline or are out of control.  I think they are telling us our children are having some big feelings they don't know how to deal with.

Yep, I am one of those moms who spends a lot of time talking about feelings. When my son is melting down I try my best not to respond to just his actions, but to really get to the heart of why he is having the tantrum.  I know, it sounds crazy to think a two or three year old can get into the reasoning behind how they are behaving.  I don't expect a total introspection session or anything, but I have seen that taking the time to help my child think through the whys does impact future behavior.  Slowly he is learning to self regulate.  My ultimate goal is to help my children become adults who can recognize and respect how they feel, without letting those feelings control them.

So, kid's having a tantrum.  What do we do?

Leave the trigger zone and go to a safe space
I usually do send Ben to sit on his bed if he is tantruming hard.  This is for a few reasons.  One is so we can get away from whatever is kicking off the tantrum.  Sometimes just stepping away from the situation helps.  Two it gets us into a safe space away from the girls.  Ben doesn't do anything to put them in danger, but if he is throwing things or running around I don't want him to accidentally run into them.  Additionally I try not to discipline Ben in front of his sisters or other people.  Oh, he gets some admonishments and reminders of rules in front of them.  But I feel the real deep discipline is best done without an audience.  Ali and Sammy don't know what is going on yet, but I do think they can feel the negative atmosphere that can go along with a tantrum.  I don't want shame to be a part of our discipline approach, so I don't want it to be a spectator activity.  Getting Ben away from everyone else lets him focus on what he needs to work through.  It also lets me give him more of my focus and attention.  Finally, Ben loves his room and his bed.  This is a place he feels safe.  Feeling safe is a big deal.  If he feels he is in a good place it is easier to calm down and process what is happening. It takes away some of the adrenaline reaction that can take place when emotions get too overwhelming.

Give everyone a chance to calm down
I usually don't go right in to the room after Ben does.  I give him a moment to calm down.  I also give myself a moment to collect my thoughts.  I am the adult in this situation, I need to make sure I act like it. It is so easy to get frustrated and take the behavior personally.  I take a moment to think through how I want to handle the situation.  Taking a moment lets me make sure that it is practical and safe to take some time to talk through the situation.  Are Ali and Sammy in a safe space?  Did I leave anything on the stove, or anything out that shouldn't be unattended?  By pausing I can be sure everything else is safe and I can give myself the time I need to handle the situation.

Time in
Once I make sure I am calm and everything in the house is safe to be left alone for a few moments, I step in to Ben's room.  Here the approach varies a bit.  If Ben is having a tantrum over something he knows he is not supposed to do I give him a chance to apologize.  Often I have to help him work through the words and remember what he has done.  If he is still upset I hug him until he calms down a bit.  Then he has to sit back on his bed until we finish our talk.

It seems counter-intuitive sometimes to offer hugs and reassurances when our children misbehave.  But the thing is, they still need us even when they do something wrong.  I want Ben to know that I am always on his side, no matter what.  It doesn't matter what he did, I am there for him and I love him.  If I don't show him that I love him and am still a safe person to talk to when the transgressions are little, how is he going to know he can come to me when he is older and the stakes are higher?  My job as a parent is to show discipline and teach him the rules, but it is also to show him love no matter what.

The Talk
Alright, now we are in the meat of the interaction.  Once Ben has calmed a bit and apologized for the tantrum, I try to help him name his feelings.  This is helps him build his emotional vocabulary and recognize what he is feeling.  I think when we name his feeling he can more easily recognize what caused that feeling.  We can start building his toolkit of how to handle his feelings.  Is he angry? Sad?  Frustrated?  I tell him how I feel too.  My hope is that this helps him see how his actions impact others.

After we have named his feeling we talk about what that means and appropriate ways to channel that feeling.  I never want him to think what he feels is wrong.  His feelings are legit.  He can feel any way he needs, but he isn't allowed to act out any way he wants.  We spend a lot of time practicing taking deep breaths.  (And if you think three is too young for this you'd be surprised.  He can employ this method on his own! Sometimes at least. :) ) For sadness we can hug our lovie or ask for a hug from mom or dad.  We can think about why something made us sad.  For example, we are sad we can't watch a tv show.  Can we think of a time when we will get to watch a show?  Can we think of other fun things to do?  For anger Ben can hit his bed.  I don't want him to think it is okay to physically lash out at others.  But I know having some sort of physical outlet to release anger can be helpful, so Ben needs a safe place to do that.  For anger and frustration Ben can ask for help.  He can squeeze his fists.  We are always working on relaxing our shoulders along with our deep breaths.  For all of his emotions I am trying to teach him to name his feelings out loud.  He is allowed to tell me any way he feels.  You'd be amazed at the change when I told him he is allowed to say, "I'm mad at you, Mommy."  The first time I told him he could be mad at me his anger almost melted right in that second.  Having the freedom to feel is huge, and goes very far in diffusing unwanted actions as a result of those feelings.  I tend to repeat myself a lot.  But Ben is three, and repetition works.  I try to parrot back how he feels so he knows he is heard.  At any age knowing your thoughts are getting across matters.  No one likes to feel misunderstood.

Final actions
After we have talked that is usually the end.  I don't really like prolonged punishments, I don't think they are super effective on a three year old.  Ben needs to apologize to whomever had to witness the tantrum.  My goal with this is not to embarrass him, but to show him his actions impact those around him.  Yes, this usually means that he is apologizing to one year olds who have no clue what is going on, but still I think the exercise has a point.  We also decide how to re-handle the situation that caused the tantrum.  This can mean getting a different toy to play with.  It could be asking for help.  Basically we re-do what happened.

Not at home
These steps all work great if you are at home.  But what about tantrums when you are out and about?  You can still use the same basic ideas.  Instead of your child going to a safe space, you can just pull them aside and have them sit for a moment.  The key is to get away from the trigger zone that has caused the tantrum.  If there is a safe space for them to calm down alone great.  If not it can work to calm yourself down right next to them.  You might not actually need to calm down, but take a second to center yourself.  This gives your child a moment to pull themselves together a bit too, if they are able.  The rest of it, the hugging, the talking, the final actions can all take place wherever you are.

Conclusion
I have found this works best in tandem with other methods.  For example if Ben throws a non throwing toy he still loses that toy for a bit after we talk about the tantrum.  A tantrum isn't a way to get out of consequences.  They are two separate issues.  Repeated tantrums over the same issue probably need a different approach.  But overall I have found this to be very effective.  A big reason for tantrums at this young age is not knowing how to handle these big emotions, and not feeling like you are being heard.  Taking the time to work through feelings builds a child's emotional vocabulary and starts them on the road to working through challenging feelings in a positive way.  It really does pay off to take the time and get to the why behind the what.

-Kim

Be sure to check out all the posts this week!

Monday: Valerie at Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
Tuesday: Natasha at Let's Be Brave

Wednesday:  Katrina at Mama's Organized Chaos 

Thursday: Kimberly at Team Cartwright and Carrie at Wiley Adventures

Friday: Emily at The Journey of Parenthood and Cole at Twinning Babywise

"Mommy, you need to smile." Empathy Developments

"You need to smile.  Mommy, you need to smile.  Smile at me."

This is something I have been hearing more and more of around the house.  I know it can be annoying as a woman to be told you need to smile more, but these statements from my three year old son are really telling to me.

I am fascinated by how much my son is noticing how other people feel!  He has been recognizing his feelings for some time now.  We explored feeling sad heavily back when we were in the process of moving.  It was hard for Ben to be away from his daddy for so long.  Plus I was super  busy with getting everything ready to move and taking care of his sisters, who were only six months old.  He wasn't having a ton of focused attention, and frankly not a lot of fun times.  He felt the stress of the situation and was able to verbally tell me he was sad.  We spent a lot of time talking about feeling sad, and how sometimes that happens.  Then we would think of ways to feel better.

Since then Ben has been making a lot of strides in explaining how he feels.  He is great at identifying when he feels happy, sad, frustrated, angry, and scared.  We talk about how he feels, why he feels that way, and I try to focus on sitting with those feelings.  Of course sitting in general is tough when you are a three year old boy.  We take a moment to explore how he is feeling.  We also talk about what are okay ways to express those feelings.  We can use words to explain how we feel.  We can ask for a hug if we are sad.  We can hit a pillow if we are angry.  That sort of thing.  Generally our conversations end with Ben saying he feels better, which works for right now.

But lately, Ben has been taking his focus outward.  When Ali or Sammy cry Ben will tell me that they are unhappy.  It is so cute to hear him say, "Uh oh, a sister is sad."  I don't want him to think that making his sisters happy is his job, but I am impressed that he is noticing their feelings!  Even more so, he is noticing my feelings.  Like all moms I don't want to take my negative feelings out on my kids.  I do think it is good for them to see me having real emotions though.  I don't overreact in front of them (at least I try not to), but I do express my feelings.  Ben has started to see when I am unhappy or frustrated.  He will run up to me and tell me to 'take a step back and ask for help' when I am frustrated.  (Thank you Daniel Tiger.)  He has also started to see when I am unhappy about something, and reminds me to smile.

Over time, like really over time as in many years, I hope he learns that it is okay to feel however you feel.  I don't want him to feel pressured to be happy all the time.  I think that is unrealistic and frankly a lot of pressure.  It is okay to not be happy.  But I love that when he sees someone unhappy he wants to make them feel better.  It is a big step to recognize feelings in others, and to try to do something in response to it.  This is how empathy is grown.  And we can all use a little empathy in life.

-Kim

This article from Scholastic has an easy to understand break down of where kids are in terms of developing empathy by age.  

Activities your preschooler and baby can enjoy together

You know how it goes.  Your preschooler wants to play with you, but your baby is sitting up, crawling, maybe even walking, and wanting to be a part of the action.  If you have more than one child (and not through having multiples) you have gone through the phase when you need an activity for your older child, but your younger child isn't as content to just sit and watch anymore.  This can be made more challenging when your baby is in the get-into-everything phase, and still putting everything in her mouth.  It is one thing to set them up with two different things to do, but sometimes you only want to deal with one set of toys, one activity, one focus.  Plus it would be nice to foster a little sibling play.  Here are 10 activities you can do with no or minimal set up that foster development and fun for toddlers, preschoolers, and older babies.

Take a walk.  Little kids and babies all love to be outside.  Wear your baby or put her in the stroller.  Grab your older child and off you go.  Talk about what you see, what you feel, what you smell.  Use all the senses you can.  The movement will keep your baby happy, your older child can run around a bit, and you get some exercise too.

Read a book.  Any time I read to my older child my younger ones come crawling over to hear the story.  All kids benefit from hearing stories read out loud.  The baby might need some toys to play with while they listen, but they can do that while you read.  If your older child is interested, have them 'read' to the baby.  They will like feeling like the teacher to the younger child, and the younger child will love that big sibling is paying attention to them.  Bonus to this it could carry on as the kids get older, creating a great sibling bonding tradition.

Have a dance party.  My kids have had some sweet moves since they were very young, and none of them can resist a good beat.  Big kids love to dance and run to the music, little ones like to wiggle and hear it too.  Music boosts brain development.  Make a play list of preschool songs with motions in them to practice some gross motor skills, or just groove to your favorite songs.

Make a blanket jump.  Take some blankets, pillows, or towels and toss them around the floor.  Have the older child jump from blanket to blanket a la the floor is lava.  This gets lots of energy out and works gross motor skills.  Mobile babies will enjoy crawling from blanket to blanket to mimic their sibling, also getting some energy out.  The different textures work as sensory play.  You can can customize the theme of this to match your child's interests.  Jump from meteor to meteor in space, use lily pads in a pond, be monkeys in treetops, and of course the lava standby.

Start a pots and pans band.  Grab your pots and pans and some wooden spoons and go to town.  Your older child can practice mimicking rhythms with you.  They can count out beats.  They can also compare different sounds from different size pots.  Your baby can just enjoy making big noises.  They can turn the pots over and practice putting things in and out of the pot.  I've seen wooden spoons used for teething toys, so this could be a good one during those tough times.

Play with blocks.  Regular blocks, Mega Bloks, shoe boxes, it doesn't matter what the blocks are, just let them build.  Older children can practice stacking, working on hand eye coordination.  With Mega Bloks you can talk about same vs. different concepts.  You can practice identifying some colors and counting.  You can work in imaginative play by building castles or barns or houses, whatever your child is into.  Babies can work on hand eye coordination with basic stacking and grabbing of blocks.  For a bonus interaction, encourage your older child to build a tower and let baby knock it down.  Both children will be practicing cause and effect skills, while also focusing on patience as they wait for the tower to be built and then knocked down.

Race cars down a ramp.  Grab a box or stiff poster board and make a ramp for cars to drive down.  Older children can compare different size cars as they go down the ramp. They can try to use different levels of force to push them down.  Babies can either hang out at the base and try to catch the cars, or they can sit at the top of the ramp and push them down themselves.  They will practice hand eye coordination and releasing objects on purpose.  Both age levels will reinforce cause and effect ideas.  They will be seeing how the natural world works in terms of gravity and acceleration.  It can also be an exercise in taking turns.

Do yogurt painting.  This is a messy one.  Get some yogurt, add a little food coloring (or not, your choice), and go to town finger painting!  The big benefit of the yogurt is of course that babies can get in their mouths without you worrying too much.  Older kids can see how colors can combine to form new ones.  They can paint on paper or just on plate that they rinse off and start over with.  Babies can smear it all around the tray of their high chair.  This is great sensory play for both ages, and a lot of fun.  Plan this one for before bath time though.

Play kitchen.  Have your older child make play food for you and baby.  Baby is going to put everything in their mouth anyway, so they will really be in character.  You and your littlest can sit at a restaurant while your older child plays waiter and chef.  Talk about healthy eating while practicing handing play food back and forth with baby.  Point out colors, shapes, practice counting.  Baby can eat and make a mess.

Create an obstacle course.  This one sounds  like you need a big house or something, but you don't.  Put a blanket over a coffee table to make a short tunnel.  Put a chair out to climb over.  Throw down some pillows to zig zag around.  This will help your older child burn off some energy while practicing gross motor skills.  Baby can enjoy playing in the tunnel and crawling around the objects.  Just changing the lay of the land challenges how they think about the world around them.

This list is just a jumping off point.  What are some of your favorite ways to foster play between your preschooler and baby sibling?

-Kim