Wonder Weeks Without the Stress

I remember discovering The Wonder Weeks (aff) when Ben was a baby.  I was of course googling everything I could on how to raise a baby- how to get them to sleep, how to form a schedule, what to do with them while they were awake.  Specifically I was curious how babies learn and perceive the world around them.  I, like most people with babies, found this sort of development fascinating and wanted to use this information to help my baby.  I was at first thrilled to find a reference that outlined specific leaps my baby would make and told me what they were experiencing.  I read a bit more and found graphics which visually showed me what to expect from my child. The thing is- there were a a lot of 'stormy periods' on these charts.  Like a whole lot.  Like my child's first year of life was going to be one long fuss fest. I was not excited about that.

Let's back up a moment.  What are the Wonder Weeks?  Simply stated these are times in your baby's life in which they are making huge strides in mental development.  Dr. Plooij developed the book.  He began his career studying chimpanzee mothers and babies.  After spending time cataloging behavior he found that the babies tended to follow a similar pattern of development, marked by sudden clingy behavior- regression- and then more independence- development.  Later Dr. Plooij started looking at these patterns in human mothers and babies.  He found a pattern of ten distinct times mental leaps were made.  He was able to use his data to find a timeline that many babies follow in this development, which became the wonder weeks. (reference)

Back to my experience with them.  I started following the weeks and saw when my son was supposed to be fussy.  Sure enough, if I saw that he was supposed to be cranky I saw all sorts of cranky behavior.  Then there were times when I looked at the chart and saw that he was supposed to be happy and he still had fussy times.  This was very depressing to me.  If he was crying during a 'sunny period' how bad would it get during the stormy periods?  At one point I stopped looking at the weeks as obsessively and noticed a drop in fussy behavior.  After a particularly sunny time I looked at the charts again and saw my son had supposedly just gone through a very rough period.  This was not what I observed.  I started to wonder if I was putting my own bias onto the wonder weeks- seeing behavior because I thought I was supposed to.

I found using the weeks added more stress to my life.  When I thought there would be fussy behaviors I saw fussy behaviors.  When I didn't focus on these behaviors I found them to be less noticeable and easier to handle.  So I stopped looking at the weeks.  If I was going through a particularly trying period with Ben I would glance at the leaps.  If they lined up it offered me the type of 'you're not crazy' reassurances I was needing. 

These discrepancies got me thinking.  Why do some babies follow the Wonder Weeks perfectly and others seem not to?  Why do some mothers notice it aligns better with the baby's birth date, not due date as the book suggests?  Does this mean the wonder weeks aren't legit?  Not necessarily.  I looked in to how this data was gathered.  Dr. Plooij used, at least at the start, self reported results from a group of mothers with young babies.  This is fine, but there are some inherit biases in self reported data.  People can over exaggerate what they see, or they can minimize effects.  This makes sense- we as humans report events tinged with what we feel about them.  So not every baby will got through the same experiences to the same degree.  As with any research of this sort, it is taking observations from a relatively small group, the ones Dr. Plooij observed, and applying it to a relatively large group, babies everywhere.  That means you are more likely to find outliers.  You can think about it this way.  If you were to observe a group of people you might find that they wake up and eat breakfast right away.  It can be safe to assume most people behave that way.  But as the group observed gets bigger, you might see people who work out before breakfast, or people who eat breakfast at work, or even people who skip breakfast all together.  Your original prediction for an unknown person that they will wake up and eat breakfast isn't wrong.  But as you look at more and more people, you will find more variations in the behavior.  Translated to the Wonder Weeks, this means it is a reasonable assumption that most babies will follow this pattern of behaviors, but it does not mean every baby will act the same way.  Some babies will hit leaps hard and display the typical behavior the book outlines.  Others will skate on through without you even knowing something changed.  Neither is a wrong way to grow or develop.  We have to remember that babies aren't robots.  They are all different.  Even identical twins might not exhibit the same reactions to their growing awareness of the world.

I think a big part of how children learn and grow is also how we as parents handle the behaviors displayed.  I know some mothers swear by the weeks.  They line up perfectly and their babies react in a textbook manner to them.  The weeks give them a sense of understanding and control enabling them to show patience and grace when dealing with their children.  That is great.  If these weeks work for you, I think that is wonderful.  But if you are like me and find them to add more stress to your life, I think you can safely put the information aside. Don't get me wrong, knowing the why behind how our children act can be so important.   Anything that helps us get through the tough early years of motherhood is beneficial.  But if you are like me and it created a sense of dread, then it isn't helpful.  I don't like that implication that I get from reading some websites that ignoring these weeks will somehow harm your child's development.  This book first came out in 1992.  Babies have been making mental developments long before then and before this book became mainstream.  You aren't going to limit your child's mental growth if you do not do specific exercises with them at just the right times.  You also aren't being a bad mom if you either aren't aware of the weeks or opt to not follow them closely.

The key takeaway I got is that these developments can understandably rock our children's worlds.  It makes sense that babies might get clingy, confused, or upset as they learn new things.  I find being told my baby will be fussy and clingy for long periods of time unhelpful.  But, as I said, if I am at a loss I will double check to see if a leap is going on.  This lets me know it isn't anything I am doing wrong as a parent, it is the developments my children are making.  Babies will make the leaps regardless of whether we know about them or not.  We should aim to be understanding and patient with our babies needs regardless of whether they are making a leap or not.  If this information is helpful for you- use it.  If, like me, it causes you more stress- ignore it.  You aren't hurting your kids by not stressing the leaps yourself.

You can check out the Wonder Weeks site for yourself to best decide if and how you want to use this information.

I have also put together a little no-stress cheat sheet.  It has the approximate timing of the leaps and the general development that is taking place.  What it doesn't have is if your child should be fussy or for how long cranky behaviors might last.  This is just meant as a quick guide to tuck into your notes to pull out when your child is acting out of sorts and you have gone through all your other reasoning for the behavior.  You can pull it out, see if it is a wonder week, and know that everything is developing as normal.  Or you can just keep an eye on what your child is experiencing without the details on potential fussy times.





-Kim

Communication and Grace: Two keys to building up your marriage in times of stress

The seven year itch.  Having twins.  Having three kids.   Should we add in a cross country move?  Sounds like a lot, doesn't it.  That describes the past year of our lives.  On their own each of these events could cause some marital stress.  We decided to knock them all out in less than a year.  You know what?  I really think our marriage came out stronger as a result.  There are two main things that you need to get through these tough times of transition and life with small children, especially when you are outnumbered by said children- Communication and grace.

Yes, the message is as simple as that.  First, tell each other what you need and how you feel.  Don’t assume your partner knows what you want them to do, and don’t assume you know what your partner is thinking.  It is easier said than done, but do your best.  Unvoiced needs are usually unmet needs.  It would be awesome if we could take care of everything our spouse needed without them having to say a word.  Let me tell you in stressful times is that very unlikely to happen.  So speak up! Setting aside even just ten minutes a day to do a rundown of the days events can help.  And be direct.  Having twins and three kids total taught me to be very specific about what I needed.  There was no point in sitting around and hoping someone would see that I needed help.  This is a point I think moms especially need to hear.  I have found my husband often wants to help out, but doesn’t know what to do.  I didn’t want to order him around, so I just wouldn’t say anything and instead just hoped he would somehow read my mind and know what needed to happen.  I bet you can imagine how that worked out.  You can be direct and clear with your needs while still being kind to your partner.  We both ended up happier when I spoke up.

The second part takes care of the rest, give each other grace.  What does that mean?  It means forgive each other.  Even if you are the wronged party, forgive.  It means no one is at their best at 3 am when you have been pacing with babies for over an hour and you both just want to sleep for a few blessed minutes.  Forgive the curt words.  Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt when something goes wrong.  Chances are they were not trying to hurt you or make your life harder.  Giving grace means using kindness, even when it is hard.  We teach our children that being hurt doesn't give us the right to lash out at someone else.  This applies to us as adults too!  Be kind to your spouse.  Sometimes when your partner is the hardest to deal with they need your love and kindness the most, just like our little ones.  Giving grace means take a moment to understand where your spouse is coming from and to truly look for ways they are helping the marriage.  You might be surprised what you can overlook sometimes.

These things are easy to say, but do take some active effort to do.  The thing I think we sometimes forget is that having a good marriage takes active effort.  How do you stay married in tough, stressful times?  You choose to.  Turn to each other and not against each other.  That means you make a choice every day to be married and work with your partner.  On your wedding day you stood up and took vows out loud.  You told the world I choose this person. So do it.  Choose them every day.  Tell yourself every morning I choose this person and I choose this family. Marriage is a choice, each and every day.  The goal is for it to be easy.  You don’t even think of the decision because it is so automatic.  But when you are in the trenches of life you have to wake up and actively choose to be in your marriage.  It can be hard.  But think of your long term goals.  Think of your children.  Think of that love you had back when you were young and you could live on love alone.  Now think of the alternative- divorce.  Think of holidays split up.  Think of court battles.  Think of financial struggles.  Think of what your children will go through.  Now make a choice.  Which one do you want?  I bet it is marriage.  Now that the decision is made grab the two best tools in your toolbox- communication and grace-and get to work.

-Kim

 Today is a Babywise Friendly Blog Network pinterest day!  Check out all the ladies of the BFBN as they post on all things marriage

Chronicles of a Babywise Mom: How to divide responsibilities in a marriage
The Journey of Parenthood: 5 ways to get out of a marriage valley
Mama's Organized Chaos: What I want my daughter to notice about our marriage
Twinning Babywise:  Date night babysitting sway how to
Wiley Adventures: One quick trick to a happier and health marriage

BFBN: Crib to Bed Transition: Staying in Bed- Guest Post

It's a trade day!  The ladies of the Babywise Friendly Blog Network are swapping blogs on all sorts of topics today.  I am over at Twinning Babywise talking about baby led weaning and how having twins impacts using that method.

Here I have Emily from The Journey of Parenthood!  We recently switched Ben from his crib to his big boy bed.  So far he is following the rules and doing a great job.  But I am already looking down the road at when the girls switch beds.  Emily has gone through the transition with three kids and has some great tips to make the change easier!
-Kim

Transitioning from a crib to a bed is a BIG DEAL. The crib has four sides. It has clear boundaries! It's where you child has slept their entire life and feels comfortable, safe and content.

I am a big believer in NOT rushing the crib to bed transition. If it ain't broke don't fix it. I'd keep my children in the crib for as long as possible! We always do the transition because we have another baby on the way and will need the crib. In that scenario I recommend doing the transition during 2nd trimester of pregnancy. You don't want to throw too many changes onto your toddler at the same time and doing the switch mid-pregnancy gives the toddler plenty of time to fully adjust before their little baby brother or sister arrives. 

I have transitioned all three of my kids from the crib to the bed with minimal issues (We just recently moved our current toddler so I don't have a post on that yet but you can read about my oldest child's transition here and my middle child's here!). The crucial concern parents have about moving to a big kid bed is: "will my child STAY PUT?!?!"

Here are some tips to help with this transition and to ensure you ALL get some sleep without a toddler escaping their bed:

1. Build Up the Big Kid Bed: This is my #1 tip about switching from the crib to a bed. TALK IT UP people! Make it a HUGE deal! If you have a new baby on the way also talk about how the crib will be for the new baby and how special it is that he or she is going be a big brother/sister etc. Get them excited for their new bed and they will LOVE it!
2. Have Consistent Discipline: This is something you need to have in place prior to the transition. If you've been slacking a bit on a consistent discipline routine then get back on it and make sure your child knows that if they disobey Mommy or Daddy then there are consequences and make sure they know you will follow through with those consequences!
3. Lay Down the Rules: Decide with your spouse what rules you want to enforce with the new bed and then communicate those to your child. No standing, no jumping, no getting out of bed etc. Give then clear expectations and explain the consequences if they choose to disobey. 
4. Clear the Room: Remove temptations! Make sure there aren't toys on the floor where your child will be tempted to get out of the bed and get them. Have a clean room so it's rather boring for them! Set them up for success!
5. Keep Things Similar: Your child is comfortable in their crib so you want to shadow that experience as much as possible. If they are used to white noise, keep it. Black out curtains? Keep em. If they sleep with a lovey, be sure to bring him along for the big switch too! 
6. Watch and Respond: A video monitor is so crucial for this transition. You want to be able to watch your child like a hawk and RUN into their room the second they step foot out of the bed. You want to catch them in the act so they will understand they aren't supposed to get out. If they are out and playing and then you get onto them later they will not make the connection as well as if you get onto them the instant they step foot out of the bed.
7. Be Stern, Be Firm, Follow Through: When the toddler gets out of the bed be firm with them in reminding them of the rules. Remind them also of the discipline action you will take if they choose to get out of the bed again. Then it's so important to actually follow through. I like to give that one time of me just getting onto my child so they understand fully what I'm expecting and what will happen if THEY choose to disobey. Then the second time? I follow through with the disciplinary action.
8. Praise: Just as you built up the big kid bed, you gotta keep the excitement going! When they have stayed in the bed and it's time to get up SHOWER them with praise! Make them feel like the biggest big kid ever!

Like any transition it takes several days for a child to get use to their new sleep environment. Don't be surprised if it takes them longer to fall asleep (my recent child took over an hour at naps to finally fall asleep for several days when we transitioned) or if they are hesitant about things. Keep encouraging them and keep sticking to the plan and before you both know it the crib days will be a distant memory (or a current bed for a new baby as you start the whole process over again!). 

Emily is the mother of three (Kye, Britt and Tess) and is eagerly awaiting the completion of their family through the blessing of adoption! You can follow her at The Journey of Parenthood...

Transitions: Moving from a crib to a toddler bed

One of the big changes that went along with our move was that Ben switched from his crib to his toddler bed!  Yes, he was three years old and still in his crib.  Every kid is different and I wouldn't change a thing about our transition.  Here are a few thoughts on how we did our switch and how it worked for us.

To start out, why did we have Ben stay in his crib for so long?  We had a few big reasons.

1) I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't mess with sleep.  If something is working, why change it?  Ben adored his crib.  He was happy and comfortable there.  He slept well there.  He never tried to climb out and didn't seem to mind that it was still a crib.  Why change something that was working?  I don't think age alone is a good enough reason to make a big change like this.  We bought Ben's crib because it converted to a toddler bed, and with twins coming we knew we would end up either buying a a new crib and a toddler bed for Ben, giving his crib to one of the girls, or we could buy two new cribs.  Almost all the cribs these days transition to toddler beds, so would cost us the same either way.  We would have to buy two beds, so why take Ben's bed, which he loved, away from him?  Keeping him in the crib just made sense.

2) I liked how safe Ben was in the crib.  Ben never tried to get out of his crib on his own.  (I know, I am very lucky and so thankful for this.)  He was contained all night and couldn't get into trouble.  We had planned to have all three kids sleeping in the same room for a bit at our old house.  I liked the idea that Ben couldn't get up at night and mess around, potentially waking up his sisters.  Our old house wasn't very big, so Ben's/the girls' room because a storage site as we got organized before the girls were born.  It also became a giant box zone while we were packing.  Ben being in his crib meant we could have these things in his room and he would still be safe.  Yes, this is a bit of laziness on my part.  But what can I say?  Ben was safe and happy in  his crib.

3) We had a lot of changes going on from when Ben was about two and a half to three.  First of all, the girls were born.  That is a huge change for anyone, but it is especially huge for a toddler.  The girls took a lot of my time and attention and I wanted Ben to have his literal comfort zone in his bed.  That was his space and his alone, no babies in it.  Besides suddenly having two little babies taking up his mommy's time, he also was no longer going to the office every day.  His entire routine was changed.  I wanted to keep anything consistent for him I could.  Then once we got settled into our new routine we up and move across the country.  Packing was chaotic and again, I wanted to give Ben what consistency I could.  I think it worked, Ben slept really well despite all that we threw at him.

4) Ben is old enough to really get what is happening now that we have made the switch.  Ben understands that he has to stay in his bed.  This isn't to say he couldn't or wouldn't have understood at a younger age, but at three years old he for sure gets it.  He knows he needs to stay in his bed and he understands consequences.  We really played up how exciting a big boy bed was, and we also spoke about how important it was to stay in the bed.  At three he is old enough to call out for us (loudly) at night, and he is old enough to understand when we say wait or just a minute.  Along with understanding the need to stay in the bed, he also was old enough to be really excited about the change.  This made moving more enjoyable for him, he got to upgrade his bed!  Anything that would help make him happy about our move was a good thing in my book.

 So why a toddler bed?  Why not a twin or other regular bed?  There are lots of options when it comes to moving beyond a crib.  We thought about several things and looked into different options.  But when it came down to it our decision was pretty simple.

1) It was the cheapest option.  We bought our kids' cribs planning on switching them to toddler beds as they got older.  As I said most cribs these days transition and are not a ton of money.  All we had to do to make Ben's crib a toddler bed was take one of the sides off.  We didn't need to buy a new frame or a new mattress.  It was really easy (of course I didn't put the bed together, so Pat may have other opinions. ;) )  We don't like to spend money we don't need to, so this was big.

2) We had an easy fix if Ben didn't stay in the bed.  If Ben gets out of bed too much in the short term we can just turn the bed around so the open side is against the wall.  Get out of bed, lose the privilege of the big boy bed.  So far we haven't had to do this.  If it gets too bad we can always put the side completely back on.  We would have to have some major issues to do that, but I like that we have concrete, relatively easy ways to have natural consequences to misbehaving.

3) It fit the space we had.  Ben has his own room at our new house, but that doesn't mean it is a huge room.  We could fit a twin in it.  The toddler bed is smaller and gives Ben more room to play.  We wanted this more than for him to have a bigger bed.  He isn't very big, he doesn't need a giant bed to sleep in right now.

4)  It was still Ben's bed.  Ben has always loved his bed.  This was still his.  So while he was excited about all the new changes we had going on, he still had a place that was familiar and his to sleep in.  I'm sure it can be scary to a little kid to be in a new room in a bed that suddenly has a big open side on it when it used to be enclosed and secure.  But this was Ben's own bed, a place he has always been safe.  That's a good thing.

I don't think there is one right way to make the change from crib to toddler bed.  Each child is unique and has his own needs in this situation.  But I am happy with how we handled Ben's transition.  I hope to keep the girls in their cribs as long as possible, but we will make that sort of switch as we need to.  Overall Ben's sleep has stayed solid, he made a great transition in the move, and he is happy.  That is the most important thing.

-Kim

Transitions: Helping my child move across the country

Moving is a big deal, regardless of how old you are.  But when are two (almost three) and moving not only out of the only home you've ever known, but to an entirely different part of the country it is an even bigger deal.  While I know we are making a great decision for our family in this major move, I was worried about how it would effect the kids.  Now I am for sure no expert on this.  But we did just go through it and so far the kids are doing well!  Okay, the girls don't really care, seeing as they are only seven months old.  We did completely change Ben's work though, so here is how I tried to help him through the transition.

1) Really talk up the new place.  I found any reason I could to explain why our new town was going to be amazing.  I told Ben all about how it would be warmer.  We would be closer to two of his cousins.  I told him our new town would have parks.  He would get to have his own room.  We would have a new house with a little more room for his toys.  And the best thing of all- Daddy was already there!  That made everything about our new place exciting.  I watched my tone when I talked about the move.  Moving is a big old pain a lot of the time, but I tried to use happy and excited tones whenever we talked about it.  I didn't want Ben to catch on to my frustrated moments and equate them with where we were going.  This was a great adventure!

2) Show real images of the new location.  We made sure to Skype with Pat every night so Ben could see where we would be going.  I think this helped make it a more concrete location in Ben's mind, and not just some unknown we were heading toward.  Of course it isn't always possible to have someone else go ahead and be waiting at the new destination.  But I think showing pictures of real places where you will be going would work as well.  We also pulled out pictures of the family he would be seeing more often and talked about them frequently.  My goal with this was to have Ben feel like he knew this family, even though in the past we would only see them every couple of years.

3) Make a plan for a fun event in the new place as soon as possible.  For us we were pretty lucky- Ben's birthday was two weeks after we moved.  We talked about how his birthday party would be in our new home.  We planned his birthday party there.  (Again we are lucky.  Since he is turning just three years old he was pretty happy with swimming, cake, and presents for his party)  I don't think it has to be as big as a birthday party.  Plan a trip to a favorite restaurant, or maybe another fun activity like mini golf.  Maybe a big family movie night once everything is unpacked.  Anything that your child can look forward to.  This also gives you something fun to think about in the middle of all the planning.

4) Involve the child in the packing process.  This can be hard if the kid is young, like Ben.  But I had him help me put his toys in boxes.  Yes, I sometimes had to go back during naps and repack a little more efficiently.  But he knew his items were being packed up because he did it.  I also let him play in the boxes.  What kid doesn't love a box?  We made tunnels and forts, and tried to make the whole thing as fun as possible.  I also talked ad nauseum about what I was doing as I packed.  What I was packing, why I was packing it, and when we would open it again.

5) Maintain what consistency you can.  All through the packing process we still kept naps and independent play time going.  We still went to playgroup.  We finished Ben's swim lessons.  Yes, it meant packing took a little longer.  But Ben got to keep his structure, which little ones really need.  I also made sure to pack his sleep friends with us in the car to have on the road.  Yes, it meant bringing a few extra things in the car.  I think it was worth it for Ben to feel comforted and sleep well on the road and when we got to our new place.  I tried to pack his favorite shirts and socks in his suitcase to have right away.  I brought some favorite dvds to watch in the car.  I feel better when I have my favorite things with me, so I assume he does too.

6) Talk about how it is okay to be sad.  I encouraged Ben to tell me when he was feeling sad about the move.  He would often tell me he was sad because he missed Daddy.  Whenever he did this I would stop what I was doing and sit down to talk with him.  I told him it was okay to feel sad, but explained why we were going through the changes we were.  I think allowing Ben to express his feelings and reaffirming that it is okay to feel sad and less than happy about the changes helped him out.

7) Show examples of changes that the child can relate to.  We got lucky here.  Ben adores Toy Story, and in the first movie Andy moves!  Ben really related to this, and his Buzz and Woody were car friends on his move just like with Andy.  We also watched Inside Out a lot during the packing process.  I'm not sure how much Ben related to Riley's move, as she is older than he is.  But he recognizes the feelings characters, and it helped him put words and understanding to what he was going through emotionally. I know not everyone is in to screen time, but it worked for Ben.  The library has a ton of books on moving and making these kinds of changes.

8)  Make a point of saying goodbye.  On our last day and night at our old house Ben and I talked about how we were leaving soon.  We took the time to say thank you to our old house for letting us live in it.  We said we had enjoyed living there, but it was time to move on.  When Ben asks about the old house now, I remind him that we thanked the old home and said goodbye.  He still misses it, but I do think it helped give a sense of closure.

These are the eight big ways I tried to help Ben adjust to moving across the country.  Of course these aren't the only ways.  And we haven't been here very long, so I know we are still in the process of transitioning.  Ben will miss our old home, that is only normal.  I think talking about it is the best thing I can do to help him out.  I want him to know it is okay to feel sad.  I also like to remind him of all the good that is coming from our big change.  Most important, I remind him of how loved he is.  I remind him that he is safe with his family.  Kids are resiliant and able to handle a lot!

-Kim

It's a Babywise Friendly Blog Network pinterest day!  Everyone is talking about transitions.  Be sure to check them all out!

Valerie- Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
Natasha- let's be brave
Katrina- Mama's Organized Chaos
Carrie- Wiley Adventures
Emily- The Journey of Parenthood